I Can Explain... The New Horoscopes

First appeared in Retirement News Weekly on February 11, 2011

For believers, horoscopes can define identity, personality, love connections, and future prospects. And even for non-believers, one can’t deny the effect that these signs have on people who perceive them as having meaning. So when one community college professor said that our system of horoscopes was wrong and Leos are actually Cancers, the internet exploded with stories. But was the professor right? Are the horoscopes wrong? And should we care? Don’t go get that Taurus tattoo removed, quite yet! I can explain!

It was a community college professor named Parke Kunkle of the Minnesota Planetarium Society that started all the drama (why you’d believe someone named Kunkle is beyond me). Even though he does not believe in horoscopes personally, he pointed out in an interview that the constellations the sun was in 3000 years ago, when horoscopes were created, are not the constellations the sun is in now. This is a result of Earth’s shifty axis (shifty indeed). The result is a new constellation named Ophiuchus (which is a dude with a snake) being behind the sun for part of the year and thus he exists as a modern 13^th sign. The rest are shifted accordingly.

Pretty dramatic revelation, right?

Not so much. Despite the hype, this actually isn’t news... it’s not new anyway. We’ve known for a long time (a little over 2000 years). The thing is, there are two types of astrology; there’s classical tropical astrology and sidereel astrology. Kunkle (or Uncle Kunkle as I like to call him) was right. That’s sidereel astrology and if you’re Hindu and follow that sign system, your sign has indeed changed. But it turns out us Westerners tend to use tropical astrology, which basis its sign system on the position of the Earth, sun, and planets of our solar system; not constellations at all.

In defence of the non-believing, instigating Kunkle: he never said there should be 13 horoscopes or that horoscopes should change. He just pointed out where the sun fell and let believers blow it out of proportion.

Now, I’m not a believer. I also wasn’t significantly affected by this change as in either system I’m a Cancer. But what I will say is this: we’re all looking for something to define us... some identity external to ourselves. We look for someway to know what our future holds so that we can we be prepared; so that we can understand this journey we’re on. For those who are serious about horoscopes and astrology that’s what the system offers; a glimpse into an unknowable future and a sense of place along the way. And for the rest, it’s just fun to read the twelve potential futures a newspaper columnist crafted for us and try to find our own place in the newsprint.

Either way, let’s agree that horoscopes offers us each a little something and stop bickering over the specifics. And if you want to know how to pronounce ‘Ophiuchus,’ well... I can explain!

I Can Explain… Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber; upon the utterance of his name pre-teen girls across the country squeal with glee. But who is he, why is he famous, and why is his hair so long? Don’t worry. I can explain!

Justin Bieber (Pronounced Bee-Bar, though it kind of rhymes with “beaver”) is a 16 year-old R&B singer from Stratford, Ontario. Raised by a single mother, he showed signs of musical talent from a young age, teaching himself how to play the piano, drums, guitar, and trumpet. His mother began to post his vocal and instrumental performances on Youtube.com. Watching the short-haired Justin playing a guitar that seems far too big for his 13-year-old frame, one can see why his videos were watched by so many people, including Scooter Braun. This record producer flew Justin and his mother to Atlanta where he met and impressed Usher. Mentored by Usher, Justin earned a record contract and his first single “One Time” launched his career.

Like the dozens of children artists that came before him, Justin is now a pre-teen heart throb, that’s heavily publicized and manufactured. His short hair has grown into his famous shag known as “The Bieber” and is imitated by fans and non-fans alike. His face is on t-shirts, posters, and coffee mugs and he’s currently attempting to transition into movies. A rumour began about Bieber staring in a remake of Back to the Future, and while it proved to be just a rumour, it certainly is a sign of things to come.

Of course, Justin does have his haters. There are those who feel he’s just one more child, in a long line of children, whose careers are manufactured by publicists and whose fame will last about as long as it’ll take to text “I <3>

If you do happen to listen to his music, he uses the term “Shorty” at regular intervals. Confused I asked my girlfriend what “Shorty” meant and apparently it means “girlfriend” or at least a serial monogamous female partner of some sort. Just so you know!

So what does the future have in store for Justin Bieber? It’s hard to say. Though given the string of child singers we’ve seen in the past decade, it’s not looking good for Bieber. Likely he’ll end up yet another sacrificial celebrity that the world will love to watch fall (Read: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, etc.). Alternatively, he could continue to make music as his fame slowly fades (Read: Lil Romeo, Lil Bow Wow) or disappears altogether (Read: Well… they’re long gone so I can’t remember their names). Or maybe, just maybe, he’ll be the next Justin Timberlake.

So, in conclusion, if you’re interested in listening to the music that your pre-teen granddaughter listens to or are just curious to find out if a 16-year-old Canadian has what it takes to be hip hop, then take a listen. And if not, be glad that I can explain!