I Can Explain... Online Dating

In a world filled with nearly eight billion people, with technology that connects us all, why does it remain so hard for so many people to find somebody to love? The truth is we all live within our bubble of friends and family and meeting new people is a challenge not easily accomplished without the aid of blind dates and/or alcohol. Thus, to compensate, the internet has given us a tool to meet strangers in a hypothetically “safer” way. But are there really plenty of fish in the online sea or is it all a waste of a good fishing rod? No need to bait your hook just yet… I can explain!

If you’re looking for an online dating site, you have quite a selection to choose from. There are a variety of pay sites like Match.com, eHarmoney.ca, and lavalife.com. Though there are issues with these sites as browsers and members often have trouble communicating and it may be hard to differentiate the two. There are also free sites like PlentyofFish.com, which I can speak to more specifically.

When you first register on Plenty of Fish (PoF), you’ll be asked to fill in your profile as well as a short questionnaire. In the profile you’ll answer generic questions like name, age, height, body type, and hair color; then there are some biographical questions like if you have children, your religious affiliation, if you drink or do drugs, and your job and education level. You’ll also have to write a brief biography describing yourself. Most are short and a solid percent start with some version of: “I hate writing about myself, but…”

Once you have a profile, you’re ready to go! You can search for people based on how they answered their generic and biographical questions or you can let PoF narrow your search to people they think you’ll get along with. Once you find someone that peaks your interest, just send a message and hope for a response. You can see who has looked at your profile and who has read your messages. As well, you can limit the people who message you based on age, gender, marital status, intentions, and other variables.

In an episode of How I Met Your Mother, Barney Stinson broadcasts his cell phone number to the world at the Super Bowl. As a result, his cell phone rings off the hook with women calling for dates. That is PoF for women sometimes: many messages, all of the time, mainly generic, and many inappropriate. For men, it’s a bit different with (like in real life) the expectation falling on the man to make the first move.

However there are success stories. My sister is dating a boy from PoF, my ex-girlfriend is engaged to someone she met on the site, and a close friend is now happily married to her online love connection. So who’s to say meeting a stranger at a book store is any better than meeting someone over your browser? Perhaps, the future of dating is online. If you’re comfortable with it, take these sites for what they are: a way to get out of the bubble and meet some new people. If you find a shark, just throw him or her back and keep on fishing. And if you’re not sure what someone means when they ask “ASL?”, well… I can explain!

Act Your Age… Enjoying the View

As I wrote in last week’s Act Your Age, I am very goal oriented when being a tourist on vacation. I have a check-list of the things I want to see in each city. As I see each site I often get more enjoyment from crossing the item off my list than from actually experiencing it. It was a running joke throughout my recent Europe trip that I spent more time looking at my lists than at any of the wonders we saw. And we certainly saw some incredible things: the Coliseum in Rome, the Eiffel Tower and Catacombs in Paris, the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland, and the Sistine Chapel in Vatican City to name a few.

But it’s one thing to put something on a list and another to experience it. At the beginning of the trip, I don’t think I realized that. There is a church in Barcelona called the Sagrada Familia. We went to the very peak of the church tower and looked across the city from its highest point. The city sprawled out in front of us, but I was hungry and looked forward to our next stop, Spanish McDonalds. Days later, we went to the top of Mount Tibidabo. At the peak of this small mountain is an amusement part with swings that seem to almost throw you off the edge of the mountain. It was an incredible view, but I was distracted by the next stop on our list; the roller coaster. I hate roller coasters and I was thoroughly distracted.

This sort of distraction continued throughout the trip. That weekend, we took an hour train ride out of Barcelona to Montserrat, a monastery at the top of a mountain. Our group took a ten-minute cable car to the monastery, a funicular (basically a train that goes diagonally up a mountain), and then hiked for an hour to reach the very peak of St. Jerome, which is 1,236 m above sea level. The view was breath-taking, without a doubt, but at the time I didn’t really know what breath-taking meant. Certainly staring out across the world, the winds billowing around us, I was moved by the view. But I also knew if we didn’t leave within five minutes we’d likely miss the last cable car down the mountain and be stuck at Montserrat overnight. So I took my pictures and rushed down.

My girlfriend had already seen Rome, so during our week in the city I had purposefully looked into doing some side trips so she could see something new. During my research I found Capri, which is a resort island known for its lemon flavoured liquor and so-called breath-taking views.

We arrived at the ferry terminal early after leaving our hostel. I was coming down with a cold and admittedly wasn’t in the best of moods. Sprawled out across three seats, I slept for most of the ferry ride and before I knew it we had arrived at the Marina Piccola on the island of Capri. Departing the ferry, we were met with postcard views of mountains, greenery, and a sandy beach. We dipped our feet in the Mediterranean before taking another funicular to the town of Capri. After having a quick lunch of over-priced cheeseburgers, we decided to take a bus further up the steep island. I had read that the bus ride to Anacapri, the island’s other town, was filled with sharp turns and narrow roads, which made the experience quite harrowing.

The four of us crammed into a bus and were forced to stand, holding tightly onto both the hand-railings and each other. My girlfriend stood in front of me facing the window, while my friends stood to either side. The bus’s engine roared to life and started to zoom along the narrow streets, swerving up the mountain and regularly making 180o turns.

Being the smartass I am, I joked, “Are you guys harroweded yet?” They weren’t impressed.

At one point, the bus made yet another sharp turn and suddenly we seemed to be at the very edge of a cliff looking down to the marine port we had just left. From my girlfriend, I heard an audible gasp. I chuckled and asked her if she was scared.

She didn’t turn her head; her eyes stared across the mountains and ocean. My jaded girlfriend then said the one thing I did not expect. She whispered, “It’s just so beautiful.”

I looked over her shoulder and out the window and indeed it was beautiful. But my breathing remained consistent. She had had her breath literally taken away by this incredible view, but for the life of me I could not feel that same wonder. It was just one more view in a string of incredible views. Trying to understand it all, I looked down at her.

She was staring out the window. Her mouth, open because of her dropped jaw, was surrounded by her red pouty lips and her blue eyes, which often looked green or grey depending on the light, darted back and fourth across the scene before her. Her sun-freckled shoulders held up her black summer dress with pink polka dots, which was tied tight across her slender stomach. And as I looked at her in all her stunned appreciation and stunning beauty, I felt my heart skip a beat.

That’s when I learned to enjoy the view and it’s a lesson that we can all appreciate. Sometimes the view you have to take time to enjoy is from the top of a mountain. But sometimes, if you’re lucky, the only view you need is the view of the face of the person you wake up across from every morning.

Doubt or Faith

From the February 2007 issue of Focused Press

.

I’m a PR Student, but whenever I have the chance to take an elective with a more unique focus I take it. Last semester I took an Anthropology course called “Prehistoric Societies,” which was about early humans and their progressive development to present day people. This semester I chose “Christian Traditions,” which is a history of the Christian church. I find the course very interesting. Just recently we learned about the reformation including such characters as Luther, Erasmus, and Zwingli.

..

But this course, with the information it contains, is opening my mind and has brought me to question my own faith, Catholicism.

.

I believe in Jesus with all my heart, but I question the accuracy of the bible and, even more, I hesitate when hearing varied interpretations of the bible. Jehovah’s Witnesses, for example, believe blood transfusion is bad based of a handful of scriptural quotes, which in all likelihood were badly translated cooking warnings. Because of this belief, dozens of children have died unnecessarily refusing blood transfusions. Where did Jesus say to give up on your children? Where did Jesus say that in two thousand years Christians shouldn’t be able to share their blood through amazing medical advances? He didn’t. Jesus didn’t say that. So, how accurate is the bible after two thousand years and countless revisions and translations. What was lost? What has changed?

.

Breaking it down in my own mind Jesus, as controversial as he was and still tends to be, had a fairly simple message. To me, it reads as: “Love everyone, put God first, don’t judge, and do good to your fellow citizens.” And that’s good. That’s what this world needs. Killing is bad. Discrimination is bad. Judging is bad. We are all equal in the eyes of God. And I don’t know where we went wrong.

.

My doubt is not based on the spiritual nature of the church. I continue to believe that there is a God and that Jesus is one of the most influential, righteous men to ever grace the earth. Was He God? That’s not a matter of logic, but rather of faith and faith is not chosen, but rather it is given. Faith is a gift and for those of us who do not naturally come by it, faith is a journey.

.

I find that my faith has had its peaks and valleys. At one point I wanted to be a priest. At another I had a bizarre problem with whether or not I’d like heaven. (If there’s nothing wrong how can we appreciate eternal goodness?) As I struggle with my current doubt I’ve begun to wonder how much longer this yo-yo will continue. And happily, I’ve found my answer.

.

I was in church last Sunday and a man sitting across from me seemed to be having a spiritual struggle of his own. His head rested in his hands and has face was construed in a confused glare. In my mind he seemed to be going through the same sort of doubt I was going through. And as I telekinetically consoled his spirit the answer to my question donned on me. Perhaps not the answer, but certainly a conclusion that appeared to make sense. Being Catholic… being any faith is not a declaration. You can’t just say, “I’m a Christian,” and let it be. The answer isn’t that simple. Faith is a question, that throughout our lives we attempt to figure out. Churches are there to guide us, but the journey is our own. It has valleys and mountain peeks. Being Christian is the process we all go through to find our conclusion.

.

I still doubt, but that’s okay. It’s okay to question now and again. It’s okay to be thrown off balance. As long as you keep trucking along you’re on the right path. The yo-yo never stops. Life is just complicated like that.

.

See you next month.

Dreams of Sicily

From the November 2004 issue of the Unofficial Unorthodoxed Newsletter

.

Do you think your dreams are trying to tell you something? I don’t know. I dream quite often and I wonder what dreams really are? Some say it’s your subconscious trying to tell you what’s really going on. Some think it’s just your body pulling together random events and thoughts from your day to make random images as you sleep. Others believe it’s the supernatural, giving you a window into your future.

.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you realize it’s a dream? Those are pretty cool. And there are always the falling dreams and the slow motion dreams and those dreams where you’re trying to call for help, but you can’t say anything. Those suck. Sometimes I dream in movie format and sometimes it’s a cartoon. Sometimes it’s not even images, just feelings and emotions.

.

When I was young I had two recurring dreams, both of which were incredibly weird. In one I would swim through a swamp and talk to these two cartoon sharks. When I would get out of the water I was completely green. I don’t know why, but this dream kept me up night after night. I was really scared of turning green.

.

The other one was of this dog who had finger handcuffs in his mouth that when you’d put your finger in them it would cut your finger off.

.

I had an unusual dream just recently, a very vivid dream of running through the streets of Sicily naked.

.

These dreams are all pretty bad, but you’d be surprised at what my worst was. It was about three weeks ago and I still remember every second of it. It was at Drumlin in the parking lot. A misty evening and realistic to every level. The specifics are unimportant, but it was perfect in every way and accurate to every detail. It had everything I could ever want in life and put it within my grasp. I faced fears that in real life I was always too afraid to encounter and I did it in the same way I would if I could. Woven into the dream I found true happiness and cried with joy and praised the Lord out loud for giving me such luck. Not a scary dream at all you might say.

.

That morning when I woke up I was satisfied for once in my life. Happy that what needed to be done was finally completed and the repercussions of these actions would continue to radiate happiness for a very long time. I was happy in those blissful moments before truly waking up. And when I woke up I was angry for I realized that it was just a dream.

.

Nightmares are not only your fears, but also can be giving everything you’ve ever wanted and then mocking you since you can not have it. Maybe dreams are just one of God’s little mysteries. Maybe it’s better we don’t know what they are. Maybe they’re just little reminders in our everyday life that anything is possible.

.

Oh and Sicily is a very nice place to visit and I suggest it for any of your vacations.

Love, I Think

From the February 2007 Issue of Focused Press

.

As I wait at the bus stop in the dark heading out to pick up the latest Sims Games for my girlfriend, I wonder what love is. Can it be found in a one night stand? Will it reveal itself before our time runs out? Is it forever or fleeting? Very deep questions, I must say, for a bus ride.

.

I consider those that I have “loved” in the past. I once had a huge crush on a girl who eventually came out of the closet. Now, I’m dating a girl who I love, despite the fact that she drives me crazy. Love is complicated, but at the same time, it is possibly the thing that focuses the human mind more than anything else. When you’re in love you focus… you know what you want and things, despite the fog, seem clearer.

.

Now, I’m not claiming to know what love is. I don’t. And I think very few of us do. What we experience is in fact just glimpses of what love truly is. We experience a fleeting glance or an ache in our heart when separated. We long for another’s embrace. But it’s far from love.

.

The other day, for example, I saw true love. My grandmother moved into an old age home about 12 months ago and my grandfather, at the time, still lived at home and visited her on a daily basis. He wasn’t well himself, having had an aneurism years back and having the use of only one of his legs. Two months after she moved into the home my grandfather had a Gout Attack and was brought immediately to the hospital. I remember the first time I visited him there. He was sitting up right in bed, tubes coming from his body, and he turned to my father and asked, “Is Tessie alright?” After fifty years of marriage the first thing that came to mind after a medical emergency, is will my wife be alright. After fifty years he still had that instinct to protect her. After fifty years he still loved her.

God, I don’t know what love is, but I know it when I see it.

.

He died this weekend and we miss him. But that’s another type of love isn’t it? That part of you that is lost without the affection of your other. That aching question that asks, without answer, “How will I go on without them?”

.

So the question remains. What is love? Could it be that hour you take out from your evening to buy your girlfriend a much wanted present? Is it that never ending desire to care for and protect your special person? Or can it only be truly appreciated once it is lost? Whatever it is, it certainly makes life that much more interesting.

.

See you next month.

.

Tessie passed away two years ago this summer. They both are dearly missed and their love is a testament to the best in us all.